Don’t Bail: What Surfers and Relationship Repair Pros Have in Common

A common occurrence in couple relationships is when a “rupture” has happened—therapy speak for when something occurs that causes emotional hurt, broken trust, or even betrayal—and the repair process stalls.

Often, the partner who has been hurt is seeking empathy and understanding. They want to talk about the hurt in an effort to repair, rebuild trust, and feel connected again. But the partner who caused the hurt often wants to move on and stop talking about it. This dynamic can keep the relationship stuck in a painful holding pattern, where the unresolved harm continues to cause distress.

I’d like to offer a different perspective.

Sometimes the avoidance is so strong that the partner who caused the rupture may use manipulation or gaslighting tactics to get the hurt partner to stop seeking repair. Repeated phrases like “You’re making things worse by bringing it up” are often more about the speaker’s shame and fear around their own behavior than about the person bringing it up.

I’m a big believer in the power of “facing your sh**,” and how that kind of honesty can transform both your personal growth and your relationships.

Picture Two Scenarios:

Scenario 1:

Imagine someone who wants to learn how to surf. They walk up to the beach, surfboard and gear in hand—nervous but hopeful, and ready to give it a try. As they step into the waves, they’re gauging the water temperature, wave height, and managing a mix of emotions.

(Quick sidenote: I’m not an expert in surfing, but hopefully this still gets the point across.)

This person may have some experience or none, but they keep heading back into the surf. They get knocked around by the waves, come up for air, and try again. They know the process is challenging, but they also believe the reward lies in building their skills and confidence. There’s a sense of purpose in sticking with it, even when it’s hard.

Scenario 2:

Now imagine a different surfer. This person walks up to the waves unprepared—no wetsuit, no board, no real sense of what they’re doing. The water looks cold and intimidating. They wade in, get hit by a wave, and quickly decide, “Nope. This isn’t for me.” They don’t see the point in being tossed around by something they can’t control and retreat to the sand.

The point here is that the problem in relationship repair isn’t the continued effort to talk about feelings or revisit painful experiences. (Though yes, you might need support to do that effectively—but more on that later.)

The act of showing up, being open with your emotions, and seeking deeper understanding of your partner’s pain can lead to a more meaningful and connected relationship. On the other hand, turning away, shaming your partner for “bringing it up again,” or insisting they “just move on” tends to stall progress—in my experience as a therapist, I haven’t seen that approach succeed.

If this dynamic sounds familiar, I invite you to reflect on what makes it so challenging, scary, or uncomfortable to stay engaged. What would help you stay in the game, even when it’s hard?

The truth is, choosing to do this work can pay off—not just in your relationship, but in your connections with your kids, friends, family, even at work. Living with integrity, and learning to show up differently, can be life-changing.

Seek support from those who can help—therapists, coaches, peer groups, or others who are navigating this path with intention. With some practice and guidance, you can build the skills to respond differently.

Ultimately, you get to choose how you want to “surf.” You can face the waves and keep learning to ride them—or sit it out on the sand, or get tossed around endlessly.

I’m a big believer in our capacity for change and growth. If it feels overwhelming, that’s often a sign you need more support—and that’s okay.

Before you decide to look away from the pain, try pausing. Ask yourself: What’s one step I could take toward healing? Your future self might thank you.

*If you are interested in individual or couple therapy services in Flower Mound, or virtually in Texas, feel free to contact me at contact@calliemanea.com. If I can’t provide what you’re needing I am happy to provide resources for where you might be able to get help.